I Need Another Job

I hate my job, but it has good benifits. When you have a small child with epilepsy you need the insurance. I could make a lot more working full time at fast food. I shudder to think of ever doing that again. There is a new grocery store going up now, but they're non-union. That means no insurance. So, I guess that means I'm stuck in UGH for the rest of my natural life. I'm too old to be doing this for too many more years. You can only haul those 24 packs of beer so long before you can't move at the end of the night.

So, I'm taking suggestions for a new career. There is no queen of the world position. And it's illegal to start a buisness that kicks the shit out of ex-husbands. I could sell tshirts with a woman pissing on potatoes. But as you can see I changed the name of the blog. So, what now?

Good day all the creatures will be home from school soon.

I'm Still Here Watching You So Get A Clue!

This week UGH was in rare form. Lets start with Friday. The head dipshit CEO of the corperation is supose to come in to tour the store. So, what happens? The little bosses go into mega cleaning mode. Keep in mind that the store is in the middle of a remodle. Plaster dust and just plain dirt is everywhere. What is good old Doublebagger's job you might ask. Scubbing the doors on the dairy cases. Very, very nasty job. This involves sqatting down for almost two hours. When done I have to go do my normal job and I can hardly walk. Still hurts to do so. Now do you think head dip shit shows. No, they call at 3:30 and say we don't think we're coming.

Then today, still hobbling around like a cripple. I get to do a carry out for a very old woman. Now, I wish she smelled like ass, I really do. No, that would be too easy. This woman insists I walk behind her, and what does she do ladies and gentlemen. Keep in mind we are outside at this point. She lets go of the most horrific fart in the history of farts. Keep in mind on family vacations we had the one eats chili all eat chili rule. It was so bad being outside with a breeze even. I had watery eyes and couldn't help gagging.

Also today, I do another carryout for another equally dense old bat and dumber friend. I open the trunk of the car and am assaulted by the most horrific smell in the world, and one of the most dangerous. I once again wish it was just ass. In which case I wouldn't have to worry about the safety of these two dingbats. It was gasoline. She had a full gas can in her trunk with the lid only loosely fastened. It had spilt all over a plastic cover she had in her trunk. I told her I smelt gas and it looked like the gas can was leaking. And what does the rocket scientist say" I don't smell anything. Do you?" asking the even dumber friend who says"No." The inside of the car smelt as bad as the trunk. The woman informed me I should just put her groceries packed paper in plastic in the puddle of gas and be on my way. I advised her to clean the gas up before the 45 minute drive she was planning this afternoon.

And on a lighter note I saw a very disgusting purchase combo this weekend. Not including all the old women buying the cucumbers. EEEEEEEEWWWWWWW. No, it was a fairly young lady who purchase the pleasure pack of condoms. Nothing wrong there. But she bought it with some Preperation H Cooling Gel.

Well, you just dwell on the rude, disgusting, and stupidity of your fellow man/woman/old people and I'll look for some more strange and bizzare things in my life to write about.

What are you a twit, a twat, or a bitch?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately. All people fit into some combination of these three.

Twit: A person with no brain, no plan, and no ambition.

Twat: A person with a brain but no plan or ambition.

Bitch: A person with the brain, the plan, and the ambition. This person also has a serious additude(some might say problem). This person is aggressive and brutal in the persuit of thier goal. Even if that goal is just to point out the twits and twats.

There are evil combinations of these. A Twat Bitch is a person with no plan or ambition, but has a serious attitude with no apparent purpose.

I am proud to say I'm a BITCH. My goal in life is to point out the Twits and Twats. My plan, you might ask, you're looking at it. I work with Twits, Twats, and at least one Twat Bitch.
Yes, most of the customers I help at my job are Twits. Very few true Bitches. Lots of Twit Bitches.

See everyone of you can fit into some combination of these three catigories. So, which one are you?

I'm Not Hanging That Tag. Are You Insane?

Well today it happened. You all know how obsessed I am with KY Jelly. Well guess what the fine tag hangers at UGH refused to hang the J&J KY Jelly tag. Yeah I didn't know the baby product company made KY until today. Though that is neither here nor there in my story. Ok, the tag hanger refused to hang it because in the regular spot it had J & J KY Jelly. Then in the price place it said $10.99 and the price was crossed out. That's not the reason. The total and complete reason was right below that on the spot where the lower price was suposed to be was something that would have offended our delicate customers. It said "Wine Of The Month"
"$8.99.

Now do you see why they wouldn't hang it. At least until they found out if it refered to the fact that you needed the wine of the month to go with the KY Jelly. Though it could have been implying that the KY Jelly itself was to be enjoyed in a wine glass. I don't know but that's just nasty.

Most Accidents Occur In The Home

Guess what? It's true. O.K. here's the entire embarassing(and I mean bare assing) story.
I called and talked to my mother, yelled at the children to go to sleep, and thought I'd grab a quick shower before bed.

Well, whomever said plastic bathmats made showering safer was sadly mistaken. I was one foot in and one foot out when suddenly........BOOM. Down I went. The act I fondly refer to as shower surfing occured.

What is shower surfing you might ask? Shower surfing is when the plastic shower mat that is suposed to keep you from falling doesn't have all of it's suction cups down and you surf across the tub. This is all well and good if both feet are in the tub. One in and one out leads to slamming your leg on the side of the tub. So, now I have a huge knot on the side of my leg right below the knee that hurts like hell to walk on.

This post is a warning to all. Before you step on that little plastic mat make sure all the suction cups are firmly in place. If you don't you could end up just like old Double Bagger. Laid up on the couch with a sore leg and at the mercy of the evil little creatures I call my small children.

Damn I Need A Drink

Tequila is good. Vodka is great, but I gotta work tomarrow. So should I tempt fate.
Tempt fate, hell why not.
No, I've only got five more days until I don't work.

Damn, I miss the good old days when you got drunk off your ass, and then went to work hung over and played it off as a migraine. Well, alas those days have passed into long ago and far away.

So, here's a toast to all of you.

Good night, sleep tight, and don't let corprate america bite.

Meetings, Meetings Everywhere But Not A Drop To Drink.

Today we had another meeting. God will they ever end? This one was about changing the corprate logo. An hour of watching commercials, and the corprate big wigs talking about how good the remodel and new uniforms are going to improve stock prices. They also say sales will go way up. Yeah right. Maybe for a week or so. I don't know I think $25,000,000 could be better spent on raises for I don't know. Courtesy Clerks, as we don't get raises. I don't know why they really think this will change a whole lot around the joint.

Well, they are hiring 55 new people when they don't have the hours for the people already working. They are hiring new checkers. When we've got checkers that are only getting 8 hours a week. I think the big corporations are trying to avoid paying a fair living wage to their employees. They would rather have 50 minimum wage non-union employees. Than 10 full time union employees.

Well, I think I've ranted enough for tonight.

Good night all. Sleep tight, and don't let corprate america bite.

Hallmark Does Make A Card For All Occasions

Not too long ago I discovered a very desturbing fact. Hallmark makes break up cards. Yes, ladies and gentlemen break up cards. A card to tell your partner shape up or ship out. There is a whole section called Troubled Love Life. The card I saw started out:

I've noticed lately that we don't feel the way we used to about each other.

If that ain't a break up line, what is? That is just so wrong. Well, what's next?
I'm sorry I slept with your sister/mom/brother/dad.

There we have it a card for another occation no one wants to celebrate.

Now I've Gone And Done It

I did exactly what I've bitched about on this very blog. What you might ask could be so terrible as to cause self imposed depresion and massive chocolate eating? What? What could I have done that was so bad? I...I..Oh my God. I missed eye level. How? How could I have done it? The one major pet peeve of my job. People missing items at eye level. I don't know how it happened.

I was trying to help a customer find an item and damn if I didn't miss seeing it. And of course the customer says here it is right at eye level. Damn, now I must go and pout until I feel better.

Hey Do I Really Want You To See My Blog? Freak!!!

I just found out that my blog was found in two entirly fucked up searches. One I don't know what the search engine was but I came up third under "enormous breasts." That is not the most distressing search. The most distressing search was on yahoo. Type in "men sticking thier dicks in lady's asses" and my blog comes up on the second page. I wonder how many more of these obsene searches will lead to my bitch space.

Lets see if I can increase the hits:

Slut
Bitch
Dick
Ass
Asshole
Poopshoot

That should do it. Lets wait and see.

I never stole shit in my life.

Yesterday at UGH we had out quarterly inventory meeting. You know to say you suck and such. Well I guess employee mishandling of mercandise is a big problem, not shoplifters.
We have alot of shop lifters. They run out with entire cart loads of food and shit. Well to combat this serious inventory shortage problem now we have to check in all products that could have been bought in the store and have them initialed.

Which means if I bring my lunch in they get to search it and initial it before I can go put it away.
So, after this suck ass meeting I walked up to my front end manager and said I have Carmex, Blistex, and soft lips in my locker. Then I added I've also got a couple of maxi pads. Just didn't want to be accused of stealing anything. I was pissed I haven't stolen anything from an employer in my life. I was told the maxi pad thing was too much information, but they said anything that we could possibly sell. So, I did my job as an employee.

As to the shoplifter thing. We are not allowed to ask them to return things we know they stole as they run out of the store. We are also not allowed to ask for a receipt. You know we might offend them by asking them if they are robbing us blind. I don't know about you but all this shit pisses me off.

Why Do Some Old People Really Suck Ass?

Today I met some old people who really make me want to give up my job by committing a severly violent act against them. The first was an old hag who wanted specially ground coffee. Not a problem on a normal day, but today being the first of the month. This means welfare, ssi, and all sorts of government checks came today. Not to mention no small amount of food stamps. Well, we are in the middle of a remodel, and for some reason the electrition had unplugged the units with the grinders in them.

The old bat not only made me go find the maintenance guy, but also the electrition in charge of the remodel. Then she made me stand there and wait while the maintenance guy and the electriton climbed on top of the units and moved entire endbases looking for the outlet to plug the units in. They found the outlet behind the endbase at the end of the aisle. This took 40 minutes. While we waited for the maintenance guy and electrition to arrive I tried to get the machine to work(not knowing it was unplugged). She had it set on esspresso, so naturally I tried other settings to see if it was just that setting. The old bitch yelled at me,"don't change that that's the setting I want."

So, we were standing there waiting while the electrition looked for the outlet. This woman bitched about how the cereal(across the aisle from the coffee bean station) had gone up 20 cents a box. Then she saw r2d2 and c3po on a box of corn flakes and threw a fit saying things like "That would scare a small child" and "What were they thinking putting something that scarry on a box of cereal?" Then she wanted me to watch carefully in case I had to fix them next time. At which time the maintenance guy handed me his broom so he could help the electrition. (Oh, my god the will power it took not to beat her with the broom.) After I ground her coffee for her she still wanted to show me where the plug in was. At which time I told her I was a couresy clerk, not a maintenance guy or an electritian, and I really didn't need to know where it was to bag groceries.

I deserve a medal for not beating the old bat to a bloody pulp with a broom.