It's time for a change.

Trying to deal with a child with Asperger's Syndrome.

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Prices Good on Selected Varieties

Last week at UGH a certain kind of soup was on sale. The sale was on selected varieties. What does this mean you may ask? It means we choose which kinds of the soup is on sale. Of course, we were out of almost all of the selected varieties. Then there is the fact that people can't read the signs and pick the product that is right above the sign.

There was an old cranky man(most are). He brought up 10 cans of soup that were the wrong variety. When he was told that the sale was on selected varieties. He replied," I know, I selected the varieties." What a moron. This is what I deal with every day that I work. When I'm not working I have to deal with my odd children. I life's a bitch, just like me. It's not an insult if it's true.

And God Said

God didn't say a damn thing. That would be the televangelists, priests, and other religous leaders. I believe that religion is the drug of the masses. That's not to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think kneeling on the floor and repeating prayers that were written by men centuries ago are going to save my soul.

Operative word in that was MEN. It was a group of men that caused all that Inquisition mess in Europe. Burning people at the stake and such. Who were the main victims of this women of course. Some villages left with no women over the age of 5 left alive.

And I'm suposed to be all mushie in church on hard uncomfortable pews. When I can talk to God all I want in the privacy of my own home, and tell God whatever I want in whatever words I choose. God doesn't care that I haven't brushed my hair, changed my clothes, or put a bra on today. He just doesn't want to be ignored. So, what's the point of all this? I think that we put to much stock in and spend too much time dealing with the religous leaders in the media.

The pope needs a feeding tube. So do hundreds of other people every day. Jerry Faldwell is in the hospital with pneumonia. Oh well, so are hunderds of other people in the world. The point being why do we care about these religious leaders and not all the other people who aren't rich, famous, or religious leaders.

Sunday, March 27, 2005

What Would Easter be Like Without the Mom Killed the Easter Bunny Story?

This must have been about 9 or 10 years ago when my little sister(lets call her baby bear) was 7 or 8. Mom, dad, and Baby Bear were driving home from our uncle's house the Saturday night before Easter. Then a large jackrabbit dashed out in front of the car. Gush, pop the rabbit was dead. The terrified baby bear was distraught. "Mommy you killed the Easter Bunny," baby bear cried. "No it was just a rabbit," Mommy replied. That put baby bear at ease until....


Easter Morning:
There is no candy, no easter basket, and no colored eggs. Once again baby bear cried,"You killed the Easter Bunny." "Oh shit," mommy replied. Mommy had forgotten to do the Easter shopping. Oh no, What could she do? "I'll call her big sis that's what I'll do." Mommy called good old Doublebagger and what did they do they cook up a plan just like a stew. The Easter Bunny left her basket with sis. That was the plan how could it miss.

Needless to say it worked now baby bear if a beautiful, mature, and well adjusted 16 almost 17 year old. I'm not predjedice at all ask Madame Debarge.

Friday, March 25, 2005

What the fuck do you mean I have to wear a 4XL in mens?

Today I got the most depressing news ever. I can't get a womens size in the new work uniforms shirts to fit me. The problem isn't that a 1XL or 2XL or 3XL doesn't fit in the arms, back, or stomach. No, it is god has blessed or cursed me with a slightly larger than DDD cup size. So, the problem being that all the women's size shirts are made for women with little or no tits.

This being the case the women's 2XL left a six inch gap for my enormous breasts to fall out of not exactly the kind of customer service they have in mind. The 2XL in mens was better, but no cigar. This shirt almost met in the middle, but not quite. At which time I was told better to be safe than sorry. Order the fat man's shirt. So, how was your day? Mine really sucked ass!!!

So, HAVE A NICE FUCKING DAY!!!!!!!!!

It's Eye Level Why is it So Hard To Find

Why oh why are people so blind and stupid?

Today I must have in my job as coutesy clerk for UGH helped a hundred people find shit that was right in frount of thier stupid faces, literally. A lady stopped me on the aisle and asked me where are the dill pickles. I had to smile and say right there at eye level behind you.
What I wanted to say was open your fucking eyes you dumbass bitch.

Right now my work is doing a remodel (face lift). Needless to say they've moved everything. Also to top it all off a union store is using non-union out of town contractors. Doesn't that just bite ass.

The worst part was the people who moved all the shit didn't know where they put it. The blind leading the blind with the help of a list that has too many errors to count.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

What the Hell. Let's do a Movie Review!!

Last night I watched "Shawn of the Dead".
Definetly a British zombie comedy. This is the story of Shawn. Basically a huge loser who plays video games with his best friend before and after work. Until zombies start to take over. Then what happens is unadulterated chaos and humor.

A fun romp from the people who brought us "Bride of Chucky" and "Seed of Chucky."

Of course if you don't like black comedies and British comedy then you won't like this movie.
I liked it. It was mindless braindead fun for all.

The only down part of the movie I found was the end implied that a zombie could do my job.

Who wouldn't love a girl, a boy, a pub, and hundreds of zombies all in one movie. If you didn't like it kiss off. I liked it.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Life Sucks A Dick and Then You Die

So, I'm feeling a little upset tonight. Asked the ex. to let me claim the large child on my taxes next year, and what do I get.

"If you agree to lower the child support. Not only will I let you claim both boys, but I will also take on all the debts except your student loan."

This is a direct quote. The man pays 302 for 2 kids, that's 151 per child per month.
He wants to pay 100 per child per month. In addition he wants to pay me himself without the dept. of child support enforcement being involved. I kind of think that would only work until he decided he needed a game or new wardrobe just like when we were together.

So, now I wonder if it's worth it. The claiming of the big one on my taxes would give me 900 more a year than what I'd be losing, but it still seems odd to me.

I don't know. Lots happening now, and lots to do.
Tell ya all about it later.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Can't Wait To Be Divorced!!!!

I saw the ex today. I then realized the reason I can't wait to drop the zero. Originally he called and asked if it would be ok to do his taxes online on my computer. I'm a dumbass I said ok. He said he had to get a ride because the girlfriend wanted to come. It is so nice not to be trusted with someone you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. Don't get me wrong he's a great dad, but a really shitty husband.

So, he shows up. Guess who had to do his taxes for him? Thats right not the Easter Bunny, me.
I did all of the typing and putting everything in the right boxes. Then he doesn't know how much he made last year for the electronic filing. So, I have to sit online with that page up, because he doesn't want to give me his password. Then has to give it to me anyway because he has to take the bus home and that takes an hour. Not only that but he also brings the wrong info to the payphone and I have to sit on my prepaid cell for 10 min. waiting for him to come back and pick up the phone and give me the info.

I need to get the paperwork filed now. I have a hero waiting for me. He is the kindest most loving man I have ever met. He doesn't bitch at me, and my kids love him. So, I think he's a keeper. I get to see him early in the morning. Goodnight all.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I Really Do See What You Bought!!

Ok, people think before you buy certain combinations of items. If you don't you may be the source of laughs and revulsion for months to come.

1. Grown men should never buy KY Jelly, condoms, and a Disney movie at the same time.
2. Old women with walkers should not buy ky jelly(a popular item, my god go to a drug store for that stuff), a bottle of wine(still not so bad), and one of those huge English cucumbers.
3. Jock itch spray, chocolate syrup, and spray can whip cream. I don't know about most women but my mouth isn't going near the jock itch spray. Better luck next time buddy.
4. Any combo of chocolate syrup and whip cream with condoms.

These are just a few examples to show you I am a person who will laugh at you later.

You should also be careful what you say in the checkout line. I heard a woman and a man in the checkout line talk at first it was innocent. Then she winked at him and said her boyfriend was in jail. They walked out the door together. The guy was back in the deli a half an hour later getting lunch. I have heard old people arguing about the price of viagra.

So, next time you' re in a grocery store think about what you' re buying and what you talk about because you just might see yourself on my page one day. Because I am watching and listening.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

What the hell is that?

Picture if you will a lone single woman laying in her queen size bed. Tired after a long day at UGH. She lays down her weary head and proceeds to drift off tward Dreamland. Suddenly, a loud noise awakens our fair maiden. (ha ha) "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!" What was it you may ask...gun shots.....a scream...an atomic explosion. No, it was a moan.

The neighbors from the apartment upstairs are making up again. Yes, you guessed it they are doing the matress mambo..making the two backed beast...bumping nasties...having a good old fashioned fuckfest. Well, they do this at least once a week. After a night of knock down drag out fighting I can expect at least five to six hours of moaning, dirty talk, praying, and agreeing that would make a sailor or truck driver blush with shame. This week this happened three times, that's almost 18 hours to those who are counting.

There are a few questions I want to ask.

What the hell is he on that he can go for 6 hours?
How can she walk the next day?
When does it become time to say smart ass things loud enough for them to hear?

Things such as:

God knows you like it so shut up already.
Damn, why don' t you just put a pillow over her head already.
You can stop agreeing any time now.
Why don' t you try a quickie some time?

I really don' t know if I should be upset or envyous. It's been a few days since a fight so maybe tonight I will sleep.



I am so gellin'! NOT

You may recognize the slogan for this popular brand of gel insoles. Do they work? HELL NO!!!
I went to work at UGH thinking all was well and good in the universe. Little did I know the good doctor was conspiring to put me through agonizing pain.

Regularly priced $19.99, I thought I was getting a good deal at $10.98. Why I why did I take the bait?

Hour 1: My shoes feel tight.
Hour 2: My arches hurt, my shoes are tight, and my feet are sweating.
Hour 3: Lunch time, it's a little better.
Hours 4-6: OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
UNBEARABLE PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is an evil...evil product. Warn one and all do not ever buy it!!!
Only now do I learn all others at UGH that have tried this product had similar results.

Now, I am cranky and my feet hurt.

GELLIN' I THINK NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

What did those potatos ever do to you?

It's late there are only a handful of employees on the night shift at United Grocery Hell, UGH for short. A rather large woman enters the store. She's on a mission...a mission from God, or maybe the voices in her head. How the hell should I know? Her destination the swinging double doors in the back of the produce department. Maybe she had a childhood trauma involving a violating vegetable? How the hell should I know? Maybe she didn't get that Mr. PotatoHead doll? How the hell should I know? All I do know is that those poor potatos never hurt anyone, and an innocent young man was traumatized and nearly blinded. He still fears walking through the produce department and seeing the potatos.

When we last saw rotund lady with the mission. She was on her way through the doors at the back of the produce department. Meanwhile the Innocentone was doing his job not bothering anyone. Who could have his life would never be the same? The enormous woman entered the doors. What went through her mind when she saw the step ladder and the pallet piled high with the innocent potatos, we will never know. What we do know comes from the Innocentone, after much therapy and drugs.

He thought he saw a white apron hovering above the pallet of potatos. Every employee of UGH came running when they heard the screams. "IT' S THE ASS...THE ASS!!" "OH MY GOD, I'M BLIND!!" They found him unconscious on the floor clutching his eyes.

Later, he recounted seeing the enormous woman hoisting her 450 pound bulk onto the top of the pallet of potatos. Where she proceeded to releave herself...urinate...pee..let loose the piss of war upon the poor helpless potatos who had never hurt a soul, and damage an innocent young man for the rest of his life.

And what you may ask was the reaction of the woman in charge. The woman whose job it was to protect us from the evil pissers, the defilers of vegetables, and the the traumatizers of innocent young men. Did she call the police, you may ask? Did she call the zoo to tranquilize the creature? No, No I tell you she did nothing, but demand the potatos be banished back to wence they came and decree all record of the incident be erased from the record for all time. Also no mention of the inident was to be made.

The one in charged declared for all to hear, "SHE COULD HAVE BEEN THE SECRET SHOPPER!!!
"